08. still here
Dive into the Wave
About This Song
I began writing “Dive into the Wave” after being let go from a job I had held for twenty years. The months that followed felt unstructured and uncertain, and I was looking for a way to reframe my life.
During that time, my brother, Rob, recommended I read You Are the Happiness You Seek by Rupert Spira. In it, Spira reflects on Rumi’s metaphor of a wave searching for the ocean, not realizing it is already part of it.
The image landed immediately. I began imagining all the ways living things could fritter away their existence chasing what already exists within them.
Around the same time, I had learned to play “Clay Pigeons” by Blaze Foley and was drawn to its spare Travis picking pattern. That steady rhythm became the foundation of the song.
Lyrics
Once I met a wave, it was looking for the ocean
Once I met a leaf, it was dreaming of a tree
Once I met a ray, it was searching for the sunshine
Once I met the wind, it was longing to be free
Did you ever hear a songbird asking for a tune
Did you ever see a flower wonder how to bloom
Do you ever see a blizzard hunting for the snow
Do you ever hear a river question how to flow
Dive into the wave, soar with the wind but
Stop and take a breath, so you can begin
Maybe you’re a moonbeam reaching for the night
Maybe you’re a firefly chasing after light
Maybe you’re thunder listening for the storm
Maybe you’re a sunrise waiting for the morn
Now you rest by the shore, heart beating slow
No need to learn what you already know
Just like the wind, you’ve always been free,
You’re a wave in the ocean, just close your eyes to see
Once I met a wave, it was looking for the ocean
Once I met a leaf, it was dreaming of a tree
Once I met a ray, it was searching for the sunshine
Once I met a soul, who was longing to be free
do it all again
I don’t want no photographs, no leatherworks or rings
When I leave and head back home I’m leavin’ everything
Please don’t send me letters, don’t tell me ‘bout the times
Reading Desert Solitaire, laughter by the fire.
I don’t want reminders of the places where I’ve been
I just want to come back and do it all again, I just want to come back and do it all again
When I get home I’ll cut my hair, wash red dust off my shoes
I’ll put away my backpack and I’ll bury all the clues
When they ask me where I’ve been, how my summer’s gone
I’ll say I don’t remember and I’ll say I’m movin’ on
‘Cause I don’t want reminders of the places where I’ve been
I just want to come back and do it all again, I just want to come back and do it all again
Sun, it comes up every morning, shines every day just the same
But time wears down all our memories, like footprints washed out in the rain
I don’t want to hear about adventures on the trail
How the clouds swept ‘cross the sky just before the hail
Don’t tell me ‘bout the hummingbirds, scent of pinon pine
Most of all don’t tell me ‘bout the friends I left behind
I don’t want reminders of the faces that I’ve seen
I just want to come back and be with them again
I just want to come back and be with you again
Pumpernickel Rye
Pumpernickel rye, pumpernickel rye
Pumpernickel rye, it’s something you ought to try
Wave and say hello, wave and say hello
Wave and say hello to a person you don’t know
Walk beneath the stars,Walk beneath the stars
Walk beneath the stars, think about how small you are
Show someone your heart, show someone your heart
Show someone your heart, even if it’s torn apart
Keep a sharpened pencil on your nightstand
Wake up and sketch something you dreamed
Mail your picture to friend whose far away
Someone you knew at seventeen, ask what it means
Show someone your heart, show someone your heart,
Show someone your heart, even if it’s torn apart
Pumpernickel rye, seasons drifting by
Pumpernickel rye, see the swallows circle in the sky
Six Times Five
A seed was planted long ago,
It sprouted roots, began to grow
Blossoms and fruit on the tree
Count the rings—ten times three
Once a blank page, now a book
Stories of the roads we took
Memories etched in love with a pen
Read the chapters three times ten
See a constellation in the sky
Fifteen stars of Pegasus so bright
Fly around them twice you will see
Just how far we've come, you and me
Looking back, summer ‘94
Holding breath, stepping through the door.
Ten thousand days, love still thrives,
Years together—six times five.
Gale Force Wind
She slips through the doorway, a candle may flicker
She bends a thin branch of a green willow sapling
She dries hanging sheets without dropping a clothespin
She kisses an ember, restarts your fire
Seems like she’ll never do any harm
She rips off a chimney, slams the back door
Your lights flicker out ‘cause a tree hit the line
Your hair is all tangled, your hat it's a-flyin’
Windows are shattering, dogs are a’ whimpering
When she blows cold you best cover your face
She’s a gale force wind, and she won’t send a warning
She’ll sweep in tomorrow, or maybe today
She’s a gale force wind, and you best get to know her
Hold on to your dreams, she might blow them away
She can power your mill, fill up your silo
Push the gray storm clouds away from the shore
Eagles and condors will ride her for days
Out on the ocean she’s right there behind you
So hoist up the mainsail, she’s setting you free
She’s a gale force wind, she won’t send a warning
She’ll sweep in tomorrow, or maybe today
She’s a gale force wind, you best get to know her
Hold on to your dreams, she might blow them away
She’s a gale force wind, she won’t send a warning
She’ll sweep in tomorrow, or maybe today
She’s a gale force wind, you best get to know her
Hold on to your dreams, she might blow you away
Dishwasher Love
Unloading the dishwasher for the ten thousandth time
Making cups of tea with a bit of honey
Folding up the laundry, checking that it’s dry
Making sure your boiled egg yolks are runny
Scooping the cat litter, driving while I sleep,
You make hot water bottles on a scorching summer eve
Stock the fridge with berries for my fruit mountain desserts
Confiscate that bag of crisps, when I say the word
I just just say the word
It’s dishwasher love, making hot tea tea love
Folding laundry love, runny egg yolk love
Twenty five year love for you
And I hope dishwasher love will see us through
I think dishwasher love will see us through
Planning weekly menus, not just ramen every night
Making sure we’re out the door each morning
Asking how the day went, listenin’ like you care
Even when it’s monotonous and boring
Fifty tabs were open on your laptop yesterday
To find the best fried chicken, and sundubu jjigae
Cook your way around the world, my hot sweet beauty queen
Wrap your arms around my neck when it’s just what I need
Yeah, its just what I need
It’s weekly meal plan love, not just ramen love
Best fried chicken love, arms round my neck love
Twenty-five year love for me
And I hope fried chicken love is all we need
I think fried chicken love is all we need
Dishwasher love, twenty five year love
Best fried chicken love, twenty five love
Dishwasher love is all we need
Dishwasher love for you and me
Dishwasher love for you and me
The Rooster
About This Song
In the summer of 1985, at sixteen, I hiked the mountains of the American Southwest. Our group was led by a bearded, red-haired man with a silver hoop earring. His name was Bruce but we called him “Rooster.” At the time he seemed ancient, tough and wise. In reality, he was probably forty.
Rooster and his wife Elaine moved through the high country with a quiet authority that made a lasting impression on me. Even then, I knew their names had a certain music to them. And the dynamic felt timeless: an older guide trying to pass along hard-earned wisdom to the young, knowing full well it would be ignored.
The story in this song is fiction, but it draws on that universal theme. The young rarely listen. The old keep speaking anyway.
I finished writing the song during COVID. With no foreseeable way to record it professionally, I built the track myself in GarageBand, layering the few instruments I had at hand: an out-of-tune piano, a tin bucket for a drum, a shaker. I set the song to a video made from photographs of that 1986 trip, including a few of the man who inspired it.
Rooster, wherever you are, I hope you found your heaven on the range.
Lyrics
I met the old man up on the mesa
He was camped at the head of the trail
I was looking for a guide to take me closer to the sky
And up the mountain peak I meant to scale
I don’t think he had shaved in a decade
Made it hard to see when he smiled
The brim of his hat hid those robin’s egg eyes
Boots, they had trekked ten thousand miles
Rooster had a question that first morning
As he looked up from his coffee for a spell
“You sure want to climb? Ain’t no shame to stay behind
searching for your heaven can be hell”
They all called him the Rooster
Rooster had a lady called Elaine
Rooster tried to warm me not to venture out too far
Said, “You ain’t seen the trouble on the range”
I told the Rooster all ‘bout my Rosie,
How the embers glow inside our hearts
Rosie’s far away, but I’m counting on the day
When we won’t ever have to be apart
Rooster took long swig of his whiskey,
Seemed like he had something on his mind
But he just shook his head, then climbed into his tent
Said “get some sleep, you’ll need it for the climb.”
They all called him the Rooster
Rooster had a lady called Elaine
Rooster tried to warn me not to venture out too far
Said, “You ain’t seen the trouble on the range”
I felt a chilly breeze and a raindrop
Just as we caught sight of Wilson Peak
Switchbacks zigged ‘n zagged,
There was wet moss on the crags,
Air was thin, my muscles they felt weak
Something must have happened in that moment
Maybe just a strong wind blowin’ round
I felt the Rooster’s hand, he was tryin’ to help me stand
But I just went tumblin, tumblin down
Six months down the road i’m still in rehab
Doctor says I’ll always need the cane
Rosie never showed, never called me on the phone
Rooster just keeps singing his refrain
They all call me the Rooster
Once I had a lady called Elaine
She left me when I headed for the mountains
Now I’m all alone out on the range
Searching for my heaven on the range
Still Here
Tell us how you feel right now
The past, it don’t matter while we’re here
What’s it like to speak about
Shame, pride, love, rage and fear
Are you filled with hope or are you in despair
Can you say your piece would you like to share
You can raise your voice shed your tears
You can break apart and we’ll still be here
Will you ever be understood
What’s the price you pay when you try
You wonder if they’ve been said before
These words keep spinning, twisting in your mind
Are you filled with hope or are you in despair
Can you say your piece would you like to share
You can raise your voice shed your tears
You can break apart and we’ll still be here
Will you hide away, or will you let us in
Show us who you are, who you’ve always been
You can raise your voice shed your tears
You can break apart and we’ll still be here
We’re still here
We’re still here
Time Away
The undertow has got me, looks like I could drown
Don't try to lift me up I'll drag you down, down down
Deep beneath the waves, driftin' with the tide
It's the only way to get to the other side
Time, time away (I think you could use a little) time, time away
Don't say I should try to ignore it (let's go try that new place down the street)
Don't say I just need to stay occupied (I have some food, let's sit down and eat)
I know I need to explore it (you look tired, try to get some sleep)
Can't pretend it's not there, you know I've tried (Why don't you try?)
Oh yes I've tried
Sometimes I go for days, maybe a week or two
Show the world a smile, don't leave any clues
Maybe with some time alone, a journey far away
I'll find a new place in the sun and see some brighter days
Time, time away. Time time away
Don't say I should try to ignore it.
Don't say I just need to stay occupied.
I know I need to explore it
Can't pretend it's not there, you know I've tried (why don't you try?)
Oh yes I've tried
Don't say I need a distraction (let me take you out to the movies)
Don't say it's just a passing phase (holidays are comin' up real soon)
I know it's more than a reaction (rest your head, it's been such a long day)
Questioning will always be my way (it's just a bad day); it's just my way.
Time, time away (I think we could use a little) time, time away
The Misery Store
I like to think about dying, it's fun on a Saturday night
To wonder when we're goin' under, when they're gonna turn out the lights
You prefer a party, meet up with all of your friends
Go see a play, sip some charnonnay never thinkin' about the end.
I'm content with some misery; there's nothing I like more
Than an existential crisis, I'm just thinkin' bout how nice it is
To curl up in a ball on the floor; please take me to the misery store.
The misery store is stocked full of treats; boxes of grief and despair.
Salt for your wounds, knives you can twist; and I can help you make your shopping list.
I like to think about suffering, it can be someone else's or mine,
As long as there's variety, depression and anxiety, I'd say that it will do just fine.
I have trouble comprehending how you seem to find joy each day
You marvel at sunrises, expecting nice surprises, ignoring our impending decay
I'm just fine with my misery, a blanket wet and cold
It's a way to be sure I don't forget there's no cure for what awaits us when we grow old
Please show me where the misery's sold.
The misery store is open all night, every single day of the year
Just trade in your joy and feelings of hope, and I can help you find a sturdy rope
I like to think about sorrow, fear, shame and regret,
Things we could have done, all the years already gone,
Why even get out of bed?
I like to think about dying, it's fund on a Saturday night
To wonder when we're goin' under, when they're gonna turn out the light
I'm just fine with some misery, there's nothing I like more
Than an existential crisis, I'm just thinkin' bout how nice it is
To curl up in a ball on the floor; please take me to the misery store.
Please take me to the misery store.
My Platonic Friend
I'm not really sure if I should sing this song about you
I realize there is a chance it will be misconstrued
I’d like to say out loud there’s a special bond between us
That might raise some questions, leave some folks confused
Socrates and Plato wrote that love of beauty is divine
But if that love is physical it doesn't make the grade
Desire is a failure on a spiritual report card
We have worked our whole lives to keep up our GPA
You are my platonic friend and I don’t hug you too tight when we say goodbye
And so you might not know how much I’m gonna miss you no, no, no
You are my platonic friend and that might mean that I don’t say I love you
But I hope you know how much I do
I was meditating when the lady with the soft voice said
Grief is easier to handle If you’re with a friend
Then I pictured you beside me saying not a single word
That's when I broke down, felt like a child again
Those nights we spent together, sharing only reveries
I don’t know how close we were to steppin’ ‘cross a line
I think of all those time when we kept a little distance
How nice it would have been to hold your hand in mine
You are my platonic friend and I was hoping you might find
Some faded photos from old times, see if we can recognize ourselves
You are my platonic friend and that might mean that I don’t say I love you
But I hope you know I how much I do
I was wondering where we’ll be when it’s time for eulogies
And if we will be sorry that we left too much unsaid
So I wrote this song for you, I promise that they’re mostly true
These sentiments and memories all dancin’ in my head
You are my platonic friend, there's no trying to impress each other
Or fulfill some obligation, there's no hiding insecurities, or pretending everything’s OK
You are my platonic friend and that might mean that I don’t say I love you
But I hope you know I how much I do
You are my platonic friend and I don’t hug you too tight when we say goodbye
and so you might not know how much I’m gonna miss you no, no, no
You are my platonic friend and that might mean that I don’t say I love you
Twenty Years
We first met in Tokyo, I was only twenty three
I was readin’ a tolstoy novel when you turned to look at me
I was feelin’ lost and lonely, a stranger in a foreign place
But all my fears just disappeared when I first saw your face
Those early days are hazy now, snapshots in my mind
Sunrise on Mt. Fuji, a late night bicycle ride
Hitchhiking down to Kyushu, drinkin’ Asahi beers
All before we knew we’d be together twenty years
I followed you to London, found a flat in Parsons Green
You worked while I watched Neighbors, not a good routine
Our folks thought we were crazy and maybe they were right
Unsure about our future, we had some sleepless nights
But things they started looking up in March of ninety four
When you agreed to marry me, I couldn’t ask for more
We tied the knot out on a yacht with champagne toasts and cheers
I count that as the as the luckiest day I’ve had in twenty years
An American drinking coffee, an English girl with her tea
We packed up and we moved again, that seemed our destiny
Took holidays in Paris, Sicily, Barcelon’
When we returned to London, it felt like we were home
So we saved up a little money, bought a house in Halford road
Had to hire a feline therapist for our crazy black cat Moe
We drove a little Rover Metro, our jobs became careers
We were laying the foundation that would last us twenty years
In 1997, I had an opportunity,
But it meant you had to leave your home, you did that for me
I dragged you to New Hampshire, then out to Ohio
It's amazing how you find your place no matter where we go
Well we had a spell of tough times, hospitals, surgery
Every path ahead looked dark, the light was hard to see
But our love it grew stronger, we faced some of our worst fears
Learned to ride through the ups and downs you get over 20 years
Our life’s still a journey now, but more of the inward kind
Parenthood, mortality, shaping our hearts and minds
We’ve grown to be more patient, we’ve learned to compromise
We’re closer than we’ve ever been, we have the strongest ties
When I look on the horizon, not too far away
I imagine new adventures and unpredictable days
We’ve got so much more to see, we’re bound for new frontiers
one day we’ll look back and say, that was just the first twenty years
Now I want to thank you, and tell you that you’re looking fine
That I love to feel your arms around me, still can’t believe you’re mine
Do you know I can’t live without you, do you know how much I care
Do you know my heart still starts racing, when I’m watching you brush your hair
I want to make you happy, to make you feel loved each day
I’ll do everything I can, to make sure that you stay
I don’t know what the future holds, laughter, joy or tears
But it’s plain to me, hope you’ll agree, we should try another 20 years
Back to the Yard
About This Song
A few months before my 25th college reunion in 2016, I received The Red Book in the mail, a dictionary-sized hardcover filled with personal updates from my classmates. Inside were stories of professional success, loving families, creative achievement, international adventures, prize-winning books, and global tours. There were also stories of illness, divorce, loss, disappointment, midlife reckonings, and ordinary lives unfolding in quiet, meaningful ways.
In other words, it held the full range of what 25 years can bring to a group of people who once stood at the same starting line in their early twenties.
Reading it, I felt a wave of longing and nostalgia, not just for the past, but for the connections that seemed so much easier to make when we were young. Many of the names in that book belonged to people I barely knew in college. Yet suddenly their lives felt intimate and real.
I wrote “Back to the Yard” as an invitation to reopen old doors, to create new friendships, and to meet each other again as we are now.
So far, it seems to be doing exactly that.
Lyrics
We gathered that fall by the library steps
Hiked the White Mountains and camped in the rain
Time on our side, hopes in the sky
Sometimes I wish I was back there again
I'm goin' back, I long to be there
I'm goin' back to the yard for a day
I'm going back, the future behind me
Wondrin' how twenty-five years slipped away
I searched through the red book, found an old flame
Laughed at her musings on life in L.A.
A job and a family, carpools and cancer
The girl I once knew just so far away
I'm goin' back hoping to see her
I'm goin' back to the yard for a day
I'm going back, the future behind me
Wondrin' how twenty five years slipped away
Our folks they might see the sun going down
Some may have trouble rememberin' our names
So we call the doctors and pay all the bills
I can't recall when everything changed
I'm goin' back for a look at the past
I'm going back for day
I'm goin' back, the future behind me
Wondrin' how twenty-five years slipped away
We can go back reminisce and pretend
We can go back to the yard for a time
See the same faces, tread the worn walkways
Talk to old friends about hopes in the sky
Alice
If you're feelin' sad or lonely she knows what to do
She'll open up her heart and tell you something kind and true
She’s like field of wildflowers reminding everyone
To see the beauty in this world, to warm up in the sun
Alice, hey Alice, one day you might understand this song
Alice, hey Alice, I could sing about you all day long
Yeah I could sing about you all day long (la la la…)
And if you don’t like crowds or parties, you’re anxious and you’re shy
She’ll smile and laugh and draw you out the instant she comes by
It’s like when winter storms have gone and spring is here to stay
It’s like a gentle breeze has come and chased the clouds away
She cares for every living thing, her empathy is strong
And if she ever causes pain she quickly rights the wrong
Sometimes she wanders like a stream, she’s happy to go astray
Sometimes she’s like a mighty river determined to go her way
Alice, hey Alice, one day you might understand this song
‘Cause Alice, hey Alice, you'll be all grown up before too long
six train
We took the number six train last sunday, four and five were runnin' with delays
You said we could get to our destination on time, oh how you love those traveling days
Our first trip together we went half way 'round the world I sang you lullabies on the plane
But you tossed and you turned and you didn't get much sleep; funny how some things haven't changed
At eleven years old you ventured all by yourself across the country to New Mexico
You struggled up that mountain but you made it to the peak, you've got more strength inside you than you know
You're a travelin' boy you're a wandering soul with ten thousand rivers left to cross
You can figure out just where you are and where you're bound, I don't worry 'bout you gettin' lost
No I don't worry about you gettin' lost
You're brave and your strong, keep your cool in a jam, you're the one who knows just what to do
When lightning cracks the sky and thunder shakes the ground, your little sister she relies on you
You're happy on the road with new adventures every day, your journey's gonna last for miles and miles
Soon you'll be a man, you'll be out on your own, and I hope you come home once in a while
Everybody has to find their own way in the end, but you don't ever have to feel alone
And I want you to know that I'm always here for you, no matter how far away you roam
Stuck with me
I sleep too much, like to stay in bed
You're up bright and early to face the day ahead
I always want to do less but for you it's always more
And when you say let's go out tonight I act like it's a chore
You cook three course meals, try new recipes
I make frozen burritos, maybe a grilled cheese
You look far down the road, see the joy to come our way
I can't see tomorrow, just trying to get through today
And lately I've been wonderin' cause it's a mystery
I just can't figure out why you have stuck with me
And I need to show you and you've got to know
How lucky I feel, and that I love you so
I don't tell you I love you, don't show you I care
I don't send you flowers, don't notice your hair
Sometime I get so sad that I don't know what to do
And when I'm lost in me, I know it's tough on you
And lately I've been wonderin' cause it's a mystery...
Yeah being stuck with me, I know it can be tough
And I do the best I can, but I know it's not enough
Cause I get home late, I forget to call
o on about my day, when it don't matter at all
Sometimes when you need me I just can't be around
I know it may seem selfish, but I'm afraid I'll bring you down
Babe we’ve been together now since 1992
And we’ve both had some hard times, but I’m glad I’m stuck with you
Cause I know that when I need you, you’ll always be around
You’re still the one I count on, and you never let me down
And lately I've been wonderin' cause it's a mystery
I just can't figure out why you have stuck with me
And I need to show you and you've got to know
How lucky I feel, and that I love you so
Yeah, how lucky I feel, and that I love you so
your garden
I'm forty five years old now and a few things have't changed
I still worry that I can't get things right
But I have learned to rest my head even if I can't fall asleep
I've learned to love the peacefulness of night
So when I see you're still awake and the clock says one a.m.
I may not know exactly what to say
But believe me I know how you feel 'cause I've been there myself
And I am here to help you find your way
And I would like to help you tend your garden
Together we can watch the flowers bloom
And I would like to hear the music playing in your head
'Cause I would like to learn to sing your tune
Yes I would like to learn to sing your tune
And I would like to see things through your window
To sit down in a chair inside your room
And I would like to know what dreams are going through your head
'Cause I would like to help them all come true
Yes I would like to help your dreams come true
You might think that we come from two worlds so far apart
That I could never get your point of view
And there are things about you that I don't yet understand
But I still see a part of me in you
And I would like to help you tend your garden
Together we can watch the flowers bloom
And I would like to hear the music playing in your head
'Cause I would like to learn to sing your tune
Yes I would like to learn to sing your tune
And I would like to see things through your window
To sit down in a chair inside your room
And I would like to know what dreams are going through your head
'Cause I would like to help them all come true
Yes I would like to help your dreams come true
gone
About This Song
“Gone” is a song about my mother, who died of cancer on March 8, 2011, at age 74. We scattered her ashes in the ocean on Eastern Long Island, near where this video was filmed. It was the first song I ever wrote, shaped in part by the simple structure of “Blowin’ in the Wind,” which made writing a song feel possible to me.
Lyrics
The sun is shinin' but it still feels cold
Blue sky seems a little gray
I can't see what's out on the horizon
How long will I feel this way?
Gone, gone, ashes in the sea
Gone, gone, just a memory
It feels like a dust storm is blowin' all the time
Tears keep streaming down my face
Feels like an earthquake has knocked me off my feet
When will I find a better place?
I spend so many hours looking through old photographs
I can't believe how fast the years go by
But I can't stop that river from a flowin' to the sea
So how much longer am I gonna try?
In dreams she comforts me and tells me it's OK
But I'm hopelessly lost when I wake
I wish there was a trail leading out of these woods
How much longer will it take?
I don't know what's on the other side
Or if there's a heaven above
But sometimes it feels like she's standing next to me
And somehow I still feel her love
She's gone, gone, ashes in the sea
Gone, gone, but still a part of me
She's still a part of me